Aaron Stark on TEDx Talk; Transcript
The following transcript has turned out to be a significant piece of research in and of itself. This is what Aaron Stark, a self-proclaimed ‘almost school shooter’, shared during his TEDx Talk.
“I was almost a school shooter. In 1996, Denver, Colorado, I was a student in North High. In a moment of pain and anger, I almost committed a terrible atrocity. Growing up I’d learned early on there was a strange comfort and calmness in darkness. I was always the new kid. My family was very violent and aggressive, drug-addicted parents. We were moving from place to place, went to 30 or 40 different schools, always seemed to be going to a new school every other week. You woke up at 4 o’clock in the morning by cops, you run across the country to get away from them and I’d end up at a school for a couple of weeks and then have to do it all again a couple of days later. I was the perpetual new kid, and since I also had such an unstable household, I wasn’t helped by the fact that I smelled really bad because I never had a shower, or didn’t really have any clean clothes. All my clothes were dirty and torn. I had a weight problem. I was smart. I liked comic books at a time when kids didn’t really like people who liked comic books that much. So every time I went to a new school, I was in a whole new set of bullies. They’d do things like they’d walk up to me and shoot me with a harpoon, like I was a whale, or dump food on my head because they said I was too fat. But the bullying wasn’t just at school. It happened at home a lot, too. I was told I was worthless by just about everybody in my life, and when you’re told you’re worthless enough you will believe it, then you’re going to do everything to make everybody else agree with it, too. And so I did. I wrapped that darkness around me like a blanket, and used it as a shield. It kept the few who agreed with me close, but it kept everybody else away………. the abuse just never seemed to stop. I got into cutting around 14 or 15 because I figured that there was all this extreme emotion going on in my life that I had absolutely no control over, I had to find some way to find control over something, so I took to cutting myself. [he holds his arm up] I still have the scars to this day. At 15, 16 years old, I ended up homeless. My parents had long ago kicked me out because I didn’t want to deal with their drunken fighting anymore, so I was living on the streets. I thought I had pushed all my other friends away, too. Shoved them all away by lying to them or stealing from them, or doing everything that my family taught me how to react to everybody which was the completely wrong way how to react, but I had no idea, I was just going on what I was taught. Finally, at 16 years old, I’m sitting in my best friend’s shed, who I thought I had already pushed away, too, by stealing from him and lying to him. Laying in this shed with the roof wide open, rain pouring down on me into a grungy gray chair that was covered in cobwebs and dirt, hadn’t been touched in months, and I’m sitting there with my arm covered in blood, knowing that if I didn’t do something I was going to kill myself soon. So, I did the only thing I could think of to do: I grabbed a phone book and I called social services. So when I went to Social Services, sadly they didn’t just bring me in there, they also took my mom in there, too, who happened to be one of the largest sources of my pain growing up. And since she had spent her entire life running from place to place and dealing with social workers and police officers, she knew exactly what to say to get them to believe that I was just making it all up, it was all just an act, I was just doing it for attention. Then they sent me home with her, and as they sent me home with her, she turned to me and she said: “Next time, you should do a better job and I’ll buy you the razor blades.” My heart just got ripped out of me at that point, completely. That darkness I’d been staring at for so long, I just ran headlong into it. I had nothing left to live for. I literally had nothing to lose, and when you have nothing to lose, you can do anything, and that is a terrifying thought. I had decided that my act of ‘doing something’ was that I was going to express my extreme anger and rage by getting a gun. I was going to attack either my school or a mall food court. It really didn’t matter to me which one. It wasn’t about the people, it was about the largest amount of damage in the shortest amount of time with the least amount of security. Both of those places were the right targets. So, I wish I had a better story about actually getting a gun, but that was actually rather business-like. There were gangbanger kids near my school. That was back in the mid ’90s when gangs were still a major problem in North Denver schools. This kid had seen me, he knew my family, and he’d sold drugs to them before. He knew that I wasn’t really in school, I was just always at school, so he knew that I wasn’t a NARC or anything like that. I didn’t really know him by anything but a first name. That didn’t take more than that. I knew they had access to guns, they talked about it all the time. So I went up to him and said, “Hey, can you get me a gun?” “Sure, get me an ounce.” “Alright, give me three days.” That was it. I was waiting to get myself a gun so I could kill a lot of people. But thankfully I wasn’t alone in that darkness. That best friend who had saved me when I was sleeping in his shed, he saw this place that I was in. Even though I had stolen from him and lied to him and taken his belongings and ruined it all, he didn’t care. He still brought me in and showed me acts of kindness. Just simple acts. It wasn’t the overbearing kind of kindness where they come to you and they say: “Is there anything I can do for you? Is there a program I can get you in? Is there something I can do to make you better? How can I help you?” It was literally just sitting down next to me, “Hey, would you like a meal? Let’s watch a movie.” He treated it like it was a Tuesday. He treated me like I was a person. And when someone treats you like you’re a person when you don’t even feel like you’re human, it’ll change your entire world, and it did to me. He stopped me with his acts of kindness from committing that atrocity that day. If you see someone who’s in that spot that needs that love, give it to them. Love the ones you feel deserve it the least because they need it the most. It’ll help you just as much as it helps them. We’re in a really big, dangerous spot right now with this trend of arming the teachers and looking out for the kids who might be the threat in schools, and maybe turning them in to the FBI, and one month of pain turns into a lifetime of legal trouble because one person thought he was going to be a problem. Instead of looking at that kid like he’s a threat, look at him like he might be a friend. Look at him like you might be able to bring him into your fold. Show him that it’s just a Tuesday. Show him that he is worth it. Show him that he can exist in this pain even though it’s intense, that at the end of it there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I found my light. Now I’m a happy family man. I am a father of four. My wife and my daughter are in the audience today. And even bigger than that, the friend who saved my life, he’s in the audience today, too. Because friendship doesn’t ever really die. We have to give love to the people who we think deserve it the least. Thank you. [standing ovation] (all emphasis mine)
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Formal Research
SecretService.gov; Protecting America’s Schools
“The threshold for intervention should be low, so that schools can identify student in distress before their behavior escalates to the level of eliciting concerns about safety.”
…..”Prevention is key.”
“Most attackers had experienced psychological (depression, suicidal ideation), behavioral (defiance, misconduct, ADD / ADHD), and developmental (delays).”
“All experienced social stressors (loss of some kind.. either death of a loved one or a relationship breakup); nearly all had a negative home life (domestic violence, drug abuse, incarceration, divorce, etc.); most were victims of bullying at school (and at home); most had a history of disciplinary actions (school and police), and most had difficulty coping with significant loss.”
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StompOutBullying.org; Why Do Kids Bully?
“Bullies dominate, blame and use others. They lack empathy and foresight and have contempt for the weak. They see weaker kids as their target., and don’t accept the consequences of their actions. They crave power and attention.”
“Bullied bullies get relief from feeling helpless and overpower others.”
“No matter what kind of bully someone is, they have not learned kindness, compassion and respect.”
“Bullies don’t need a reason to hurt others. When asked, some replied:
‘Because it makes me feel stronger, smarter, or better than the person I’m bullying.’
‘Because I’m bullied at home.’
‘Because it’s one of the best ways to keep others from bullying me.’ “
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Brookings.edu; School Shootings: What we know about them and what we can do to prevent them.
“Hurt people hurt people.”
…”many were victims themselves. Studies have shown that a large percentage of them were bullied and rejected… long-term rejection.”
They advocate teaching “psychological mattering” in which everyone matters and everyone is important. This helps some students stop feeling isolated, ostracized, and alone.. because they know that there are people to whom they can turn for support.”
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HealthyChildren.org; Just Breathe: The importance of meditation breaks for kids.
“A number of studies in school settings also show improved attention and behavior.. some research has shown benefits for ADHA, anxiety, depression, school performance, sleep behavior problems, and eating disorders.”
“The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) encourages parents to share meditation with their children – and teachers to incorporate mindfulness training into their lesson plans. The simple act of teaching children how to stop, focus, and just breathe could be one of the greatest gifts you give them.”
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StopBullying.gov; School-Based Anti-Bullying Interventions Work!
“These interventions aim to prevent bullying both inside and outside of school. School-based anti-bullying interventions can provide:
- Group education sessions to help students change how they think and feel about bullying
- Training for school staff on how to identify and respond to bullying experiences.”
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TheCommunityGuide.org; School-based Anti-bullying Interventions Reduce Violence and Improve Mental Health
“The Community Preventive Services Task Force (CPSTF) recommends school-based anti-bullying interventions to reduce bullying experiences and improve mental health among students. A systematic review of 69 studies shows that when interventions are implemented in schools, students report fewer episodes of bullying perpetration, fewer episodes of bullying victimization, and fewer mental health symptoms such as anxiety and depression.”
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